We lost our youngest son, Andrew, to suicide on February 12, 2011. Just two days short of his 22nd birthday. The grief journey begins.
Moving Through the Grief with a Rug
The following year I had the opportunity to take a retreat class at Sauder Village from Trish Johnson. The focus was on pictorials and I knew it was time to begin a rug in memory of my son to help with the grief process. When I looked back in my memories for the last time I had known my son was truly happy, it was when we were living in Hawai’i.
I chose to focus the rug on a picture of Makapu’u Point Lighthouse. We had hiked up to it several times while living on Oahu and I remember Andy hiking far ahead and coming back to give me encouragement, then hiking on again. He was as proud of me as I was of myself for making the climb successfully. Now I had a mountain of grief I would have to climb alone.
Sauder Rug Week 2012
The Monday of Sauder Rug Week came and I took my 4″ x 6 ” photograph, a piece of newsprint, a yard of linen, in addition to my other hooking supplies and set out. When I arrived in the classroom that night to set up, I couldn’t believe my eyes. No one just had a photograph. Everyone had patterns and most were drawn by professional pattern makers and/or artists.
That evening I went back to my room and began to cry. I came very close to going home that night, but decided to pull up my big girl panties and do something about my pattern. I took my picture and divided it into 4ths by drawing lines on the back of the photo. Then I placed it on the lampshade so I could see the markings from the front. The newsprint was then folded to even up the edges (it had just been ripped off the roll) and then divided into 4ths like the photo. I stayed up, well into the morning hours, painstakingly transferring the photograph to my newsprint. Although I still didn’t have a pattern on linen, at least I had a drawing I was quite proud of.
Trish walked me through the process of transferring my drawing to linen and by the end of the week, I had the makings of a very large rug that would take me 5 more years to complete. I used this rug to work through my grief.
The Healing Comes
At first, it was incredibly painful to work on, but over time I was able to work on it for longer periods of time before having to put it away for awhile. I can truly say this rug was far beyond my abilities when I began it, but overtime, I grew into the rug and with the help of many teachers (Trish Johnson, Cindi Gay, Molly Colgrove, Jon Ciemiewicz , and Judy Carter). All these fabulous teachers honed my rug hooking skills and after about 4 1/2 years when I got the rug out once again to work on it for awhile, the thought of finishing the rug entered my mind for the first time. This happened in March of 2017. At that point I knew my heart was finally beginning to heal.
Andy’s Validation
My mind and heart had to turn to my daughter Jamie’s wedding that had come upon us very fast. We were headed to Hawai’i in July where Jamie and Ryan would be wed on the north shore of Oahu just east of Shark’s Cove. At the end of the ceremony, Jamie and Ryan walked over to the edge of the ocean and threw an orchid lei in the water for Andy.
The next day my husband and I were headed to the beach at Waimea Bay. Upon arrival, there were no parking places left so we decided to head to Sunset Beach. Sunset is further east from where Jamie and Ryan had wed. When we got there, we headed out to the water’s edge to set up our chairs for the day. As I sat down, I glance over and saw an orchid lei had washed ashore on a log.
We’ll never know if this was the same lei Jamie had thrown into the water, but it really felt as though Andy were right there with us.
The Rug is Finished…But the Grief Continues
When we came back to Ohio after the wedding, I began working to finish Andy’s Rug. It was time….
Here it is at Sauder Rug Show on August 16, 2017… five years after pulling the first loop, it was finally finished… and I cried. The rug was finished, however, my grief was not…..
Oh Kim, what a beautiful tribute to your son.
So very sad. Your courage shines through the process of hooking this memory rug. It is true the grief never leaves. Suicide is a particularly tragic act leaving behind many ‘what ifs’. Wishing you peace.
How terrible to lose your son. How fortunate to have hooking friends help you in your grief. The lighthouse is wonderful – grief and love intertwined in the making. A tribute to him and you.